Stepmonster?

Ashley made this picture for me and gave it to me last week. Needless to say, I was a little speechless.

I asked her if that was a picture of me, and she just giggled. I must admit, to me it looks like it bears quite a resemblance to a female version of the "devil" so I was a little hurt, but tried not to let it show. I don't often blog about what it is like to be a stepmom, but I subscribe to a number of blogs on the subject, and try to make some sense of it in my life on a regular basis. See, I cognitively realize that if TJ would draw me a similar picture 7-8 years from now, I would probably laugh it off a lot easier than I did this. That is because as his "mother" I am secure in my place in his life. I am important, essential, I nursed him, I woke with him in the middle of the night, I somehow have earned it, I am his mommy. The role is so well defined and clear.

As a stepmother, it is anything but that. You see, I have "mommy" roles that don't differ at all. I wipe noses and butts, I kiss boo boos, I play teacher, and nurse, and chauffeur, and coach. If they have a nightmare, they wake me up. Someone needs some "cuddles," that's all me. I love them like I never knew that I could love another human being. However, there are other parts that are very different. I am not the mommy, I don't decide important issues, often my opinion of what might be best is only seen through my husband's eyes as he relays that and tries to parent with their mom. If we are at the park or school and someone calls me their mom, they correct them, "No, she is our Jen. She is our stepmom." Very accurate. True. But somehow always seems to sting a little, like my role at the park/game is less important now. Yet, my role is one that is supportive, and that is OK. I am really, just after 5 years, starting to figure that out. I have begun to know my place is one of cheerleader, but not the head cheerleader. We often say in our house that I am a boss, just not one of the big bosses. I am part of the supporting cast. An important part, but supporting cast none-the-less. And really, I am getting ok with that role. However, its not one that has clear societal understanding that make it easy for everyone around us to know what my "place" is, much less for me to know it. Really, sometimes that is a moving target. The funny thing this picture made me realize though is, its moving for me, and for the kids. While it will always be an important part of how we relate, it does not have to define our relationship. I don't have to be the "stepmonster," and they don't have to grow up to think of me that way. I can just love them, and their artwork, and we will do the best we can. Making mistakes for sure, but doing the best we can.

And by the way...if your child draws you a picture (stepchild or not), probably, most of the time, you don't have to question the motive. Ashley explained when I asked her about it that she was trying to give the picture pretty eyebrows and make-up with this new drawing template she got for Christmas, and thought that I would love that she was playing with it because I had told her the day before how great I thought she could be at designing new looks. And those are eyebrows, not horns! Who knew!